Learning From Our Children and Allowing Them to Grow

Being parents is a challenging, dynamic, sometimes frustrating, always magical experience in normal times.  Couple the constant changes, the subtle and not so subtle demands,  and the great highs and lows with the possibility of ending a marriage and parents are often confused which way to turn.

The question resonates over and over again: do you  follow your souls work and end a marriage that is not healthy anymore in contradiction of your souls work to keep your children safe and secure?  And is there really a contradiction there at all?

Is it our job to keep our kids safe from life, or just safe from harm?  And where is that invisible line drawn that tells us when to set up rules and boundaries and when to let them navigate their journey on their own?  When do we soften their blows and when do we let life’s lessons teach them the hard truths so that they can discover the enormous inner strength that they have?  When do we tell them to put on a jacket, and when to we let the natural consequences of their actions teach them that without one they’ll be cold?  When do you stay in your marriage and when do you move on knowing that both choices have the potential to teach your children that from out of great pain may come the gift of true and authentic relationships?

I believe that the answers are right there, deep within us.  And it is the gift our children give us of mirroring our struggles, tapping into our deepest fears, forcing us to confront our demons and pushing us over the edge while we love them with our whole being that enables us to discover our truths.

The beauty of being a parent, and in turn, of struggling with the tough choices, is the lessons we are forced to learn in the process.  Ask yourself this question: what am I supposed to learn here;  why does their messy room, their flippant stare, their lousy boyfriend or their deepest struggles effect me?  What am I afraid of and how can I grow from the challenges of figure out how best to help them- or not.  And most importantly, why is it so hard to trust that they will be ok?

Whereas our children’s greatest gift to us is our constant growth as we master each new stage of their lives only to have them move on to the next, our greatest gift to them is acknowledging their abilities, their innate wisdom and their true self.

I believe that it is not our job to protect our children from life but to shine our light on their path and let them truly live their life.  Let them experience the highs and the lows and show them that you do too.  Let them feel the deep pain and the heightened joy and share your sadness and your happiness with them.  Let them fail and learn to pick themselves up and show them that, be it the loss of a job or the end of a marriage, you too will survive.  Show them the strength that you have to pull yourself out of the ashes of grief and allow them to break down so that they too can be reborn.

The Art of Being Mindful

In the Jewish religion, the Talmud points out that, just as we bless the good, so too should we bless the bad.  In response to this, Rabbi Yehudah Fine writes how important it is to surrender to all of life’s blessings the good and the bad.  That nothing shall be ignored, that everything requires attention and mindfulness.

If we are able to embrace this idea at the moments that are the most challenging, if we are able to accept that we are exactly where we are meant to be, we will find that we can navigate through life’s challenges in a way that sustains a focus on making the best choices for ourselves and for the people we love.

The beauty of being mindful; of holding yourself in the moment and having your actions and your choices evolve from that mindset is that the outcome of your choices are authentic and pure because they stem directly from the essence of what you want to accomplish rather than from other agenda’s of fear or anxiety, expectation or entitlement, anger or cynicism.

If we would just all strive to be more mindful, not just in moments of stress, but in our daily living, our lives would be fuller and more peaceful as our true selves-our souls, navigate us through our journey.

An Opportunity for Transformation

Elizabeth Lesser writes in her book Broken Open that during times of challenge we can either be broken down and defeated or broken open and transformed.

Divorce is one such challenge that tests our strength to the core.  But how we decide to walk this journey is the key to whether we end up broken down or opened up to the new possibilities we have in our lives.

Take each moment, during this difficult time, and make mindful decisions.  Look at the many choices before you and plan deliberately.  Take advantage of the feelings you have to look deep within yourself.  Find your core.  Discover who you really are.

I truly believe we are all exactly where we are supposed to be to learn the things we are supposed to learn in each moment.  Own that idea and learn and grow through this painful process called divorce.  It is but a moment in your life.  Use it to become the person you want to be.